I'm currently off work, obviously, this is NOT my choice. Would I rather be working? YES!!! I miss my co-workers, I miss the life that comes with working, I miss the patients and I miss feeling like I'm helping people, even if society thinks that all we do all day is "just take your blood" (you have no idea it is SO much more then that, but that's a totally different rant)
I can't drive, obviously, this is NOT my choice. I can't get my kids to their activities, I can't get groceries, I own a car and it sits there, I can't just get in and go for a drive because I need to clear my head. Do I miss driving? YES!! Do I feel like my independence has been striped away from me? YES!!
I can't get half as much accomplished in a day as I use to, obviously, this is NOT my choice. Brains are funny things, they control EVERYTHING and when it decides that it's tired and wants to stop, guess what? You have to follow it's lead. The things that everyone takes for granted (like carrying a basket of laundry, climbing a flight of stairs, standing for a long period of time to cook super) are all things that take effort. Effort, makes me exhausted. Do I want to be able to do all things that I too took for granted with ease? YES!!
If one more person makes a comment about taking my kids to Cuba I'm going to scream. Finding out that I have a brain tumour and required surgery AFTER I already booked my kids Christmas present was obviously, NOT my choice. Do you honestly think I would have booked a trip if I knew I was going to get diagnosed with a brain tumour? NO!!! Do you know that I thought I would be back to work in plenty of time to take my vacation in April with my kids? YES!!! I was planning on being back to work the second week of February, just like the Doctors told me before I had my surgery. Do you think I wanted damaged nerves in my brain so I could no longer feel the right side of my face and head? NO!! Do you think I like 4th cranial nerve palsy so I can't see without prisms? NO!! Do I fault anyone for this? NO!!! It was all part of the risks and I knew them, I just didn't think that it would happen to me. Do I sound angry that I'm not the same person who was wheeled into the operating room? YES!! Do I realize it could have been a much worse outcome? YES of course I do!!! This however, is MY reality and I deal with it everyday which brings me to my final point...
I have no plans for the Summer, in fact I have no plans for each day. Obviously, this is NOT my choice!!! Would I love to be going camping with the kids or driving to the beach, riding my bike on the trail or hiking my favorite spots? YES!!! My daily activities are just that, daily, each day is different, the only thing that I know for sure that is happening is recovery. That's my plan for the summer, RECOVER, that's what I do all day....RECOVER.
I'm not asking for "a hang in there" or you can do it", obviously if I have a strong enough spirit and mind (perhaps even tongue) that I can write this then I know it's possible. I'm asking you to think about what you say to people before you say it. I once said to a blind person "you should see this" What was I thinking? Obviously I wasn't. We as humans think we understand each other's spirit because we have one of our own but everyone is in a different place at different times. Respect that, it's the lesson I'm learning and obviously one I hoping to teach.
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