Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Tall Latte With Room For Dairy

Seriously, what the Hell?  I've been spinning out of control for months and I can't seem to put the breaks on.  My body on the other hand has been screaming at me since September, today's the day I listen.  Not much choice really, it's all I can do to get showered.  (which I still haven't done yet today and totally skipped that task yesterday.)  All I've heard for days now is how tired I look.  I don't recognize the person in the mirror, she's tired and old.  It's certainly not who I think of when I visualize myself.

Winter:  I hunkered down in my world of "why" and "I'm going to fix this" with my giant plan of trying to help myself.  Maybe I'll see if I can take a class, get my brain working, get some self worth. I got permission from my Doc to take something small if I want, nothing that is going to stress my mind.  The process of just looking into this is exhausting, I can't do this and I give up.

Spring:  Im pushing myself to accomplish more.  In my world that's sweeping and washing the floor in one day.  I push myself to try not to nap, perhaps it's a habit I've gotten into.  This proves to be one of the stupidest self experiments I've ever tried and I suffer.  Terrible headaches, confusion and exhaustion take over.  I'm truly a dumb ass!!  I spend the spring and summer hearing "Mom, you already said that" or "mom you said car not ketchup, you mean get the ketchup"  I look at them as if they think I'm stupid. I did not say get the car from the fridge.  Then everyone in the house agrees, yup mom you said car, get the car from he fridge.  This starts to happen several times a day, with any weird combination of words.
Im now not interested in seeing anyone because I feel like I've gone from an intelligent individual to a dummy.  There's a safety in screwing up in my own home, so I don't go out and when I do I don't talk.

Summer:  I hate summer, the heat takes my head and turns it into a giant throbbing mess.  My kids are so overbooked with work I can't wait for them to go back to school to get a break.  However, I can't lie, the AC in the car is a welcome relief.  No word of a lie, I got in my parked car and sat there with the AC on just to cool my overheated body down.  I swear I lost my internal thermometer, and if one more person tells me that's menopause I'm going to punch someone.

Fall:  A visit with an old friend.  Amazing what that does for the soul.  I spend that time asking questions that are carefully planned in my head so that I don't have to talk much.  I get to listen, which I loved, but won't lie it was planned.  I spend the next day sleeping a lot.  T Jay gets frustrated with me.  Just be Kelly with a brain tumour, stop trying to be someone your not.
A loss of vision again but very different from the other two times has me freaked out.  The two times prior to this were before I was diagnosed with my brain tumour, before I had surgery.  I trip to the eye doctor shows my eye has gotten worse again.  sigh!!
A four hour test at the hospital totally unrelated to to my eye proves to me that the amount of people, the bright florescent lighting and the complete chaos of that place is WAY to much for me to handle.  I sleep the next day.
A trip the other day to Starbucks with T Jay and my daughter proves that my comfort level around my family to be  real and I let me brain repetitive behaviour guard down.  Normally when I say a word wrong or go someplace like this to order something, I repeat the words in my head about 10 times over and over again so they come out as they should.  This day I said to the gentleman in Starbucks, I know exactly what I want, a tall latte, room for dairy.  He stares at me blankly, ummm a latte is made with milk. I stare just as blankly back at him, I want a tall pike, room for dairy.  My daughter, "mom you said latte", the Starbucks guy, "yes you said latte" and I in my moment of feeling like an idiot once again, said ohh well I would like a pike please, a tall pike room for dairy.  As I pour my cream and sugar in my coffee I find myself saying tall pike room for dairy, tall pike room for dairy, tall pike room for dairy.

Thursday, January 14, 2016

The Straw That Broke The Swarovski Crystals Back

Nope I'm not dead!  My lack of posting on my blog has been intentional.  Sometimes in the healing process things take a turn internally.  Things I can't share, things I don't want to share, things that are hard on the head!

My appointments with all the wonderful doctors have continued as have my MRI's, the appointments, status quo, my MRI's no growth.  Who could ask for more then that right?  Well, for the past few months, I'm the one asking for more then that.  An internal battle between the Kelly that was and the Kelly that is.  I honestly don't like the new Kelly, I can't get used to her, I hate her internal struggle to find the balance that allows her to function.  Would I say that I'm slightly depressed?  Yes.  I honestly see how people who struggle with a daily battle end their life.   Now before you run off and tell my mom, or even worse TJay,  I'm not suicidal, I love myself as a human being, as a mom, as a girlfriend and as a friend.  I'm simply saying that I never could understand the ending of ones life. How selfish, is what I thought, how could you do that to your loved ones you leave behind.  But I get it, the chronic pain, the constant pretending so others don't feel bad is exhausting and there are days I just don't want to play "the game."  I'm tired of explaining why I'm not working to those "who just can't help but think it's time by their calculations"

I had an interesting experience over the holidays.  I went to Dartmouth crossing.  I don't go to Dartmouth crossing by myself, ever!  The traffic, the bridge, the confusion, all extremely difficult on my brain, I can't process, I panic and I shut down.  My daughter however, wanted to go see a football game, so I took her, which allowed me to shop at a store that is not located in Halifax for a Christmas present for my son.  I apologized to the gentleman for coming in just before closing explaining that I didn't get the opportunity to come over here very much.  Hoping he would help me find the items I was looking for as I was having a hard time concentrating, he tore me to pieces instead.  "It's not that far to come here, I don't know why people say that all the time, why can't you cross the bridge"  This went on and on, finally with a quivering lip I said "I have a brain tumour, I don't normally drive this far as it's to difficult"  his response...."Oh great, now you made me feel like crap".....I purchased the shirts, went to my car and sobbed.  I think about that day a lot.  I often wonder who felt more like crap, him or me.

We have become a society that feels we know what's best for everyone else!  Why?  Why do we do that?  We are less tolerable, less kind, less understanding.  It's been three years since my surgery.  Three years I have not worked, three years I have missed my co-workers, three years of the pride that goes along with saying who I am.  Because believe me, you are no one unless you can say where you work.  Your job, your title, your sole existence on this earth is based upon what you do for a living.  And even when you get the courage to say you are not working due to a brain tumour, you still get picked apart, symptom by symptom.  Most of my symptoms can be explained, the trigeminal neuralgia, the diploma, the exhaustion, but one is the right hand dropsy's.  I tell the Doctors, they do their tests and no one says why.  I drop cups, plates, keys, anything really, for no reason.  I could do this several times a day or not for weeks.  It's minor to the many other deficit I currently have,  except for today.  Today, putting away Christmas dishes I came across a gift from T Jay, a swarovski crystal snow flake.  I've wanted it hung in my kitchen window for three years now.  Today, I attached a piece of fishing line and as I reached to hang it on the nail in the centre of my picture window, it crashed to the floor, it was in my hand, then it wasn't.  As I looked at the two perfect pieces of snowflake I fell to my knees and wept, sobbed really.  Academy award winning guttural cry!  I broke something so precious to me because my hand decided at that moment not to work.  I broke something so precious to me because the Kelly that "was" and the Kelly that "is" still don't agree on what I can and cannot do.

The crystal is hanging in my window now, glued back together.  The sun shines through it creating beautiful rainbows on my floor.  It's broken but you'd never know.   Just like someone I know, ohh the irony!!