Love Is...YOU

July 8th 2012~You txt me out of the blue, explaining who you are, and asked if you could take me out to dinner?  I thought who goes out to dinner? I txted back saying how about coffee/tea or ice cream?  Just in case you were a crazy nut, I would only have to spend half an hour with you. Your return txt, and I quote..."you have to eat don't you?  We can have coffee/tea and ice cream after dinner"  I stare at my phone and wonder who is this guy, I respond back with a "sure why not" thinking he's a bit of a smart aleck.

July 9th to 15th 2012~small get to know you txting revels he is indeed a smart aleck.  This is either going to be a long long dinner or a fun one.

July 16, 2012~you pick me up at my house and open the truck door for me...interesting I think to myself, a man with manners and chivalry. You surprise me with taking me out for Thai food, wow, he is so much more then Boston Pizza!!!  Conversation is ridiculously easy and as I babble on, you look up at me from your meal and smile at just the right time, not only are you listening but you get what I'm saying.  At that moment I thought ohhhh no, I was just looking for coffee. Crap!!!  Late into the evening the date continues, tea and ice cream do follow, you walk me to my door and a polite kiss good night.  I can't stop thinking about you, yet I tell myself that I'm very happy as a single person.

July 17, 2012~Would I like to get together again?  YES, yes I would

August 16th 2012~We have spent every day together, I really like your company and you haven't given me one reason to suspect you are crazy.  Who are you?  The following week you meet my kids, it's like we've all know each other for years.  By the end of August you are aware of my Trigeminal Neuralgia and see how powerful and debilitating it is to me.  This frustrates you as a Paramedic, helpless with no answers.  I see a Neurologist and am awaiting an MRI.  I get a date, Oct 2, 2012, and we wait, you like everyone else reassuring me that it's nothing.

September 16, 2012~you are well aware and completely part of the planning process for my huge Christmas surprise for my kids.  We have fun finding a place together that will be the perfect family vacation.  We book the end of September.

October 2nd 2012~we are underway with the planning of our Halloween party, both thinking we are biggest fan ever!!!  That day we travel to Antigonish, you poke light fun at my intense fear of going in the MRI tube.  Having a hard time understanding my "there's no turning back now" in regards to answers, a feeling I just can't shake.

October 3rd 2012~The call.   You come to my work place to find me in a heap of uncontrollable sobs, you spend the rest of the day with me as I perch myself on my thinking rock in Long Lake Park, not understand how I, at 40 could have a brain tumour.  Who gets brain tumours?  Why?  What do I tell my kids?  You are there to help me with all these questions and together we figure it out, one painful thought process at a time.  It's more clear then ever, you are a gift from God, in the purest form, true Love.
A crazy whirlwind of appointments follow, pre-op, neurosurgery, family doctor and neurologist.  You are there by my side to ask all the questions that I am too overwhelmed and stunned to ask.

November 9th 2012~We are up early, it's brain surgery day!!!  I can't believe I'm having brain surgery, it just doesn't seem real.  I'm scared, you reassure me, it's all going to be ok.  My friend Heather is there with us.  As I work at this same hospital my surgery is at, many of my co-workers parade through wishing me well.  Tick Tick Tick goes the clock, we are delayed by an emergency.  Very understandable.  I finally fall asleep to be woken up by my neurosurgeon, another emergency.  I've been cancelled.  What? What do we do now?  We go home and in shock I weep.

November 12th~I call in sick for work, I'm not functioning, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't stop crying.  You are there with me, to help sooth every tear.  Memories of childhood come flooding back, things I never even realized were there.  Memories of being "let down by the system" when I was 25 and pregnant, finding out my 16 week old fetus had died but because it was December 23rd I had to wait until December 27th for a D&C to remove the baby.  I am beyond angry and stunned suddenly at our medical system. Why does everything horrific happen to me at this time of year?   I have cracked, but I don't know it yet.  Still not functioning, you help with Christmas.  This was supposed to be the best Christmas ever.  You are amazing.

First week of December I go to see a councilor.  I am raw with open wounds that I thought I had healed long ago.  You stick by me,  holding me, helping me, loving me and understanding me.  It's going to be alright.  I work through the feeling of abandonment and I come out the other side.  I ask my doctor to return to work, I'm going to be ok.

First week of Jan~I'm back to work, feeling better mentally then I had felt in a long time.  Your support has been more then anyone would ever expect.  I so love you.  I'm told that my surgery could be January 11th 2013.  Mmmhmm we'll see when the day comes I think.  I kind of prepare mentally but I'm not holding my breath.  If it's not that day, I'm ok with it.

Jan 10th~we get the call, yup tomorrow is my day.  You pretend to be ok, so do I

Jane 11th~We are up early, it's brain surgery day...again!!!  Same room, same sweet lovely nurse.  Guess what...a delay.  Been here, done that, and we wait.  I'm not scared this time and I'm truly at peace with whatever happens.  Lets face it, it's brain surgery around my brain stem, we are not baking a cake from a box here!!!  This is big time serious crap.  We are told no bed for me, mmhmmm yup...I guess I'll be working Monday is what I think.  10:00 it's time, lets go we have a bed, it's show time.  OH MY...I'm having brain surgery.  We embrace and I know when you tell me everything is going to be ok, it is!!! I can feel your fear, we kiss and I'm off.  Suddenly terrified, brain surgery, who has brain surgery!!!   That's crazy.
Throughout the day you keep a journal of what the nurses said, who came to see how I was doing, and how you were feeling.  You and Heather pass the long 10 hours somehow.  I slept through it (I know bad joke) I awake to see you and Heather and I am sooo grateful that I woke up.  I am so happy to see you, I know who you are, I can move my arms and legs, my head hurts.

Jan 11-16 I'm in ICU Step Down, you are there to feed me, walk me to the bathroom, even to bathe me.  You are love in it's purest form.  I know this at the time but can't express it.  Everything is very confusing and I just don't feel like myself.  I'm tired but you push me, I hate that.  Nothing seems normal, you are there to help me through it.

Jan 17~you bring me home, I can barely stand, I can't see right and I still can't figure out how to get the food to my mouth.  You are there by my side, never leaving, always helping, always loving, forever patient.  I'm so glad to be home yet don't understand how in this state I could be.

Feb 16~Recovery is cruising along I can do this.  WOW look at me go.  I just can't see right and I keep falling over, well this is starting to suck!!!

March 16~Recovery continues, you get me a tablet for my birthday so I can make everything REALLY big on it.  The Internet is now mine...muuhwaaahhhaha (evil laugh)

April 16~ We are experts at Doctor appointments.  I have so many Doctors and you take me to every appointment.  Asking all the right questions as I stumble my way through this.

May 16~I'm done, I  don't want to play this game anymore.  I'm tired of the stall, hurry up last leg of this recovery.  I just want to get back to work.  I miss my job, my co-workers, my friends.  I miss my Independence.  I become angry, this is NOT how I saw this happening.  Find out my eye improved a little,  Hooray!!  Find out I have 25 radiation treatments in my future, Horrr...no..no there's no hooray, there is just an overwhelming feeling of this is not done yet.  You are amazing, again the right questions at the right time to the right people.  You do your best to joke through this new information to try and lighten the mood.  I'm having none of it, I'm angry and it shows.  You are amazingly patient with me, I don't know how you do it.  There is not a day that passes that I don't thank God for you, you need to know that.

June 16~onward and upward, we trudge on, I'm getting some energy back, I over do it, you tell me this, as does my physio.  I hate it when you are right.  With grace you never tell me "I told you so".  How are you so patient with me?  You always say you are the luckiest man in the world.  I say I'm the luckiest women in the world and know that God forbid,  if the tables were ever turned I would do all the same for you.  YOU are my soul mate.  We truly know what the other needs or wants.  I am blessed to have you in my life.

July 16th~One year from the day you took me out for Thai food.  Never in a million years did I ever think I could love someone as much as I love you.  T Jay, only you will understand my "mush puddle" love for you. You are LOVE.