Maybe I'm Over Thinking It

Halloween, my favorite time of year.  I had a blog post all written and with all posts, I have to read and reread it several times as I miss words a lot.  The post was all about how this year was very different with both children heading out trick or treating with their friends and suddenly I found myself in a position I was not used to.  They didn't "need" me.  A sense of overwhelming sadness and a sense of pride of two well rounded children growing up into teenagers had me with conflicting views in my head.  The post was also a bit of a pity party of how I wasn't really able to fully enjoy Halloween this year as I am one of those nutty folk who love to over decorate for the occasion.  Just as some of you do for Christmas.  Then before I had a chance to hit "publish" to my blog site my cell phone rang with a sobbing child on the other end, she had sprained her ankle in gym and could I come get her.  This ankle has been trouble since she was 5, this being her 4th good sprain on the same side.  Of all the days, Halloween when they travel door to door getting handfuls of treats from complete strangers (everything we have taught them as parents not to do, except of course on this day), she was now on crutches.  Her pack of friends, slightly bent out of shape that she was not able to join them had her in more tears then the ankle.  My heart as a mom was aching that she was not able to go out for Halloween but also aching for her as she was realizing that friendships are measured in groups at this age and not as individuals.  She was not able to be with the group, and nothing more could be done about it.  So Momma sprang into action with the aid of Auntie Laura and we took her to as many houses as we could find that did not contain any stairs (not an easy task around here).  One of us would carry her treat bag as she hobbled up on crutches to claim her Halloween candy.  People being overly generous when realizing that the crutches were not part of her Football player costume.

So I guess Momma was needed after all but this of course was not how I wanted this to go down.  I'm happy to report that the ankle is feeling better and the Halloween candy was devoured in a matter of days.

My favorite activity (the MRI machine) was scheduled for Monday after Halloween.  On our way there I got a call that it was cancelled due to the machine breaking.   Really, not a surprise as luck is not normally on my side.  It was later rescheduled for the next day.  I'm getting better at it, as this time, the Techs asked me to move my toes to make sure I was ok.  I always think just stay still so they don't have to redo any pictures, the less I move the quicker I can get out of this tube.  I now close my eyes from the moment I lay down and as they slide that cage like thing over my head and pad the sides, my eyes stay shut as tight as a clam shell.  When they pulled me out to inject the dye, my eyes remain shut.  She asked me if I had a phobia of needles, inside I chuckle to myself, and with eyes still closed I say "no, I'm a Phlebotomist I just hate MRI's"  and with that and some dye racing through my veins I'm glided back into the tube.  It always seems like it's a long way in with your eyes closed, one day I'm going to get brave and look, maybe next time.

My phone didn't ring the very next day like three MRI's ago so I am going to take that as a good sign.  I will however, know more on the 19th as I'm back to see my Radiation Oncologist.  Looking forward to the results actually.  Well perhaps that's a stretch...I'm hoping for no change, I guess if you have to live with a tumour you want to live with one who has learned to behave itself and just hang out.  With this change in weather however, my tumour throws temper tantrums and I can't seem to get this toddler under control.  It's truly one of the most frustrating things to know that your brain controls your body and all you have to do is think something and you can make it happen.  It can be simple like move your arm or complex like drive a car but your can't think your tumour out of your brain. I've given up on this Kelly vs Brain battle as control is something we don't have, at least I don't think we do.