You Have A Brain Tumour

October 3rd, here it is, the day one year ago I heard the words, "you have a brain tumour".  Shock was quickly replaced with uncontrollable sobbing, unable to catch my breath.  I don't remember the last time I cried like that.  Fear is a horrific emotion.  Today, one year later, the fear is still there but more so due to the unknown.  I was wondering how I was going to feel today and I can honestly say that my stomach is nauseous.  Kind of silly, it's just an anniversary, but like any anniversary good or bad it can spark emotions.   I guess things would be different if my life was "back to normal" but here I sit, still recovering, still feeling like crap most days.  Have you ever whacked your finger really hard, closed it in a car door?  Every time you drop your hand it throbs and hurts so much that you raise your hand to your chest for relief.  Well my head does that, right in the mastoid bone, which is just below the hole in my head.  I'm sure you can see the problem, there is no place to raise your head, to stop the throbbing.  Everyday I live with this, throw in some good headaches, some shocks to the eyeball, eyebrow and lately the teeth and you got yourself a recipe for exhaustion.

So what is the solution?  A better attitude today might help me, be thankful, upbeat, keep positive, are all things that make life easier to cope with.  However, some days like "you've got a brain tumour day", I just want to be me for me.  Not the "everything is ok" me that I do for everyone else, so we all cope. I'm allowed that day once a year.