Friday, July 20, 2018

My Boat Needs A Bung

Once again it's been way to long, so much has happened that I don't even know where to start.  An MRI result I wasn't expecting is probably a good place to begin.  Growth!  The word no one with a brain tumour ever wants to hear.  "Your tumour has started to grow" were the words I heard from my annual MRI.  Sadly there's no room for my tumour to grow in my head, it's in a tight little spot in there already.  Honestly, is there room in anyone's head for a foreign invader?  I remember staring blankly at my radiation oncologist thinking all this time he was the guy I had in my back pocket, the just in case guy, the guy who followed me after surgery but I would never need because I'm only 45. Now this guy is my best friend, my new fixer of all things, the guy holding the tablet with my glowing brain tumour shinning brightly like a star.

Radiation was something I was well aware that could be in my future I just didn't think it would be a mere 5 years after surgery.  We have conversation about making the mask, starting the treatments, how many there would be, ohh ONLY 25!!! Dear lord!!  "The team" got together and decided that the remainder of my tumour was still not a candidate for additional surgery so radiation it is.  I said to TJay I'm not sure what freaked me out more, having to have radiation or a group of health care professionals gathered around a table looking inside my head via their tablets.  I felt kind of left out of the party even though I was the star of the show.

So I put my big girl panties on, had my mask made and showed up for my first treatment in bright red Tom shoes.  Because if I have to start a hellish journey I'm doing it in style.  My first treatment I felt a little drunk after but I made it through.  Having your head bolted in a mask to a table is truly not my idea of anything that resembles fun but I did it and we left.  Day 2, lets get on with it, day 3, this kinda sucks a bit, day 4, I feel kinda of crappy and what are those weird lights I see during treatment and what is that smell?  Day 5 I'm in tears I'm so sick.  The thought of my head being attached to that tables and possibly throwing up is too much to handle.  They won't start my treatment until I see the Doctor.  Did you know they have great drugs that instantly take away nausea?  And from that day forward I take Omeprazole, Dexamethasone and Ondansetron.  I make it to to day 25, in which they say ok see you in 6 months for your 1st post treatment MRI. Don't expect any shrinkage, in fact don't really expect that at all, we are simply hoping it stops the growth.

I'm now back to MRI's every six month.  My second one after treatment will will August 22, 33 days from now but who's counting!  I'm going to assume this one is important as it's been a year since treatment ended.  I pray it's still stable but my gut tells me something is up. Sometimes my gut and my fear/anxiety get confused but I think hey! Prepare for the worse then if it's good news I can relax. I come across as having it all together, a pretty stable brain tumour patient  but really I'm a barely functioning nervous wreck who seems to be the one who holds everyone together when I'm the one who is falling apart.  But you see I can't fall apart, if the person in the sinking ship panics, all those who are floating will simply loose it.  So I continue to bail out my boat.

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