730 Days of Recovery

2 years ago today I was in the OR having my brain tumour "debulked" I was asked last night if 2 years felt like a long time.  The answer to that really has two parts.  Do I believe it has been two years since I've been off work?  NO, and I think that's partly because when your brain is shaken up like mine, your mind isn't really on work.  That amazingly goes to the back burner, even though its such a huge part of your life when you're in it.  Do I feel like it's been a long time floating around in the medical system.  Yes, a very, very long painful two years.  So in January last year on my 1 year "Craniversary" I wrote a post "365 Days of Recovery"  Today I repeat the blog idea, but with another year of reflection.  Here's what 730 days of recovery look like to me:

That drugs play a bigger role in recovery then I thought.
That having a Neurologist after almost 2 years is a good thing.
That falling through the biggest medical crack has hurt me physically and exhausted me mentally.
That my kids are still just as amazing, thoughtful, kind, human beings as they were 730 days ago.
That the word "Time" is a joke now.
That my eye ball will never have feeling in it nor will my vision correct, those days of wishing and waiting are over.
That you can still have headaches every single day.
That I have more specialist now and I'm grateful for everyone.
That there is a perception in Canada that you have to "accept" the Doctor/Specialist that you are referred to because our Health Care is free.
That not all Specialist graduated from the School Of Bed Side Manners, you don't need that energy as part of your Rock Star Specialist Team, choose wisely.
That these new drugs allow me to think more clearly.
That thinking can sometimes land me in bed from over doing it.
That MRI's are still hateful, and a warm smile and comforting words from an MRI tech can make or break your experience.
That on my 2 year "craniversary" I'm probably more hateful then hopeful.
That I never thought people I've never met in person, only through online support, would become household names.
That people who heal together, band together.
That I would rather own a condo or an apartment than a house.
That one of my true enjoyments of the day is watching the chickadees in my bird feeder.
That having a dog has brought me unbelievable joy even though he bit me.
That I'm extremely grateful that my brain tumour hasn't grown in 730 days.
That my tumour sits at 1.8cm x 1.6cm which is better then 2.5cm x 2.4cm x 2.1cm before surgery.
That there are still days I can't believe I have that blob in my little tiny pea head.
That my Radiation Oncologist classifies 2mm as growth, hmm not much wiggle room.
That once "growth" happens everything gets re-evaluated.
That I pray for no "growth"
That several people have passed away in my life which has me thinking about my own funeral.
That I don't want a funeral but rather a celebration of life.
That I'm aware of how "shockingly" good I look considering...umm thanks?
That as I remember things more clearly, it's like a kid in a candy store kind of excitement.
That I don't expect you to understand that.
That I'm no longer afraid.
That acceptance is a gravel road.
That the cold hurts my head and face.
That Tegretol has finally some what settled my Trigeminal Neuralgia, Thank God!
That I'm still blown away by people who "pop" out of brain surgery and carry on.
That anyone who knows me, knows that's exactly what I thought would happen to me.
That this has been the biggest lesson in human compassion anyone could have ever given to me.
That once again my problems are no different then your problems, mine are just in my head.
That if you didn't laugh at the above line you need more coffee.
That my kids accomplishments make me burst with enthusiastic pride.
That I wish my kids didn't have to deal with such big issues in their lives.
That being said they are the most loving, kind and well behaved kids as they know they are lucky to have their mom.
That my love for TJay has no spoken words other then he is the worst boyfriend ever.
That you wouldn't understand that inside joke but it is the best compliment I can give him.
That not only did TJay bite off 2 kids, but a brain tumour too.
That speaks volumes about the man he is for not "spitting out" that mouthful.
That I cherish this love and nurture it's growth.
That as I type this I get shocked to the face, thanks Tegretol for wrecking my faith in you settling my Trigeminal Neuralgia!
That loosing your hair can freak you out more then you ever thought.
That I get another new Doctor this year.
That I'm shocked to find out I was supposed to have this Doctor all along. (*cough* medical crack *cough*)
That I have a much deeper understanding for the medical system.
That I wish a was a Politician, no a Doctor, no wait a Researcher, to evoke change.
That I've started to ask myself after 730 days-at what point does it go from Recovery to Reality?

                                                                                      illustration by Phil Foster