Tuesday, May 13, 2014

What You Say Can and Will.....

"Mom are you ok?" is how I was woken up this morning.  Jolting up I respond with yes as I try and look at the time, alarm blaring, 7:10!  Oh my, I jump out of bed and rush to make two lunches in two minutes.  Now I'll be honest, my kids are certainly old enough to make lunches themselves, I know this.  However, Peg, my foster mom, made our lunches right up until the day we graduated from high school, and it is one of my fondest memories.  Love is presented in food.  :)  So carrots, cucumbers and dip, granola bar, juice box and some graham crackers flew into a brown lunch bag and a quick kiss and they were off.

I stood there watching them walk up the drive way in a daze of utter confusion.  I am exhausted.  Seriously exhausted and little wonder with the past week.  Yesterday was my MRI and I don't think there is any scientific evidence that they or the dye they inject can make you tired, however every time I have one it takes me days to recover.  I'm sure it's stress and anxiety, either way it's real and overpowering.

I've had a couple of MRI's, 5 or 6 I think, which isn't a whole lot but in less then two years it's enough.  I don't like them at all and the loud banging and clunking caused a flurry of Trigeminal Neuralgia activity.  As tears rolled down my cheek unable to hold my face for comfort in my confined tube, I lay there, counting.  It's what gets me through the ordeal, "ok Kelly this one is for 2 minutes" the voice echoes from inside their protective glass, and my counting starts.  120, 119, 118, praying that each time I get to zero the noise will stop, briefly allowing me to regroup before the voice echoes once again.  The entire time I'm picturing my tumour remaining the same, some how thinking if I imagine it, that is what will appear on the MRI screen.

As the machine slides me out, the cage and padding are removed from around my head, the MRI tech says the following "That wasn't so bad was it" my instant reaction is go into my trigeminal neuralgia ordeal, but instead I said something like,  it's not my favorite thing.  Which in turn he replies with "Well there are worse things they can do to you in here"  OKAY...where should I start with this.  I have no words for him as I stare at him blankly.  He then says are you heading back to work now, I reply with a confused answer of umm no I'm not back to work yet, and he says well...enjoy your day off.  Perhaps it was the magnets that were just whipping back and forth across my brain but I am without words.  As I put my earrings back in, my glasses back on I turn with my teary eyes and walk out the door.  Confused as to what I heard,  am I just over sensitive due to stress.  I'm sure they know I have a brain tumour, chances are good that pops up as a bright white blob on their screen.  Lets just say by chance they don't see my brain sporting its glorious glowing mass, the ordering Doctor is a radiation oncologist.  Yes the MRI was that bad for me, today.  I do know there are worse things they can do to you in a hospital, believe me I am well aware of that one and I consider myself one of the lucky ones.  You do not get a day off when recovering from brain surgery,  I don't get a day off from having a brain tumour.

So what am I upset about 24 hours later?  Words!!  We can choose to listen with them or to ignore, use them to hurt or to help, they can be kind or harsh.  Words are used to gain knowledge, for power and for the greatest debates. Whatever you do with your words you have to own them.  Sometimes we don't even realize what we have said.  I know I can look back on a few instances and think "what on earth was I thinking" or "I can't believe I just said that"  There are moment I wish I could do over, people I wish I had the chance to talk to again.  I just ask that you please, use them wisely.  If I had the chance to do yesterday over I might have responded with the fact that it was a rough experience due to my trigeminal neuralgia, I'm sure the "there are worst things" comment would have never been spoken.  The medical environment has a job to do, find, fix and follow up, these "F" words ring true for everyone from the top surgeon in the country to cleaning staff.  Neither one nor the people in-between can work without one another.  Compassionate words is all that anyone trying to navigate their way through the medical world can hope for.  What you say can and will have an impact on someone today.


2 comments:

  1. Hard to imagine the MRI Tech is unaware of your condition.
    That he engages in inane prattle shows the disconnect between a person
    just doing a job,and understanding what a patient is going through.
    Like the old saying goes "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all".
    Better that he asked if you were OK and left it at that.
    Hugs, Nancy

    ReplyDelete
  2. My ride in the tube is coming up soon.. followup with neurosurgeon on July. I share your emotions. I had a meningioma removed in October.

    ReplyDelete