Golden Treasures Come In Blue

I've spent the last 10 months being an executor.  Not an easy task to deal with someone's assets and their belongings.  You find things they held onto so dearly from the past and all you can do is question the purpose of that item.  Eventually, you figure things out, uncover things, finalize things and make the arrangements for their final resting place, following their Last Will and Testament to the best of your ability.  Now the process starts where I finally get to mourn my Mother.  My relationship with my Mother was not like the relationships I saw my friends have with their Mothers.  It was bumpy, it was difficult.  It's hard to always be the parent when you are supposed to be the child.  However, that was our relationship, the roles reversed for as long as I can remember.  I swore that my children would always have a Mother, not be the Mother.  When I became sick I saw my kids take on a more active role in my care.  I tell my kids I'm good when mostly I'm not.  I want them to be the kids who don't have to worry about their Mother.

When cleaning out my Mother's small apartment I came across one knitted slipper.  My Mother loved to knit.  When I was a child all my barbie clothes were knitted, my socks and sweaters, EVERYTHING!!  I hated it when I was little, now I cherish my knitted blankets.  So finding this one knitted slipper was golden.  Inside the slipper was a small ball of matching yarn.  I took the ball out and set it aside, I slipped the lone slipper on my foot and just like the magic in Cinderella, it fit perfectly.  For those who know me will understand, my feet are tiny, a child's 2.5.  So for this slipper to fit was amazing.  I'm going to say it was made for me because that just makes me feel better.  I never questioned for one second what to do with this treasure amongst the piles and piles of Church donations.  It was coming home with me to NS and I was giving it to the person God was telling me to at that very moment, my dear friend Heather Star.  Heather is an incredible friend, she has been with me through all my difficult times, happy times and scary times.  She took the day off of work the day I had brain surgery so she could see me through it with the power of prayer.  She sat with TJay for the gruelling 10 hours at the hospital, waiting for me to wake up.  I often wonder what TJay and Heather talked about for that many hours.  She's celebrated my children's achievements like they were her own.  We've cried together and also laughed until we cried!  If anyone could knit the matching slipper to my mom's half done project it was her.

Heather came to visit me not long after I returned from my Mother's passing in Quebec.  I handed her the slipper and asked if she could make this into a pair.  She left with the yarn and the one slipper, knowing she had been entrusted with an important job.

Several months had past and I had pretty much forgotten about this project, my head too full of taxes and payments and and and....anyone who has been an executor understands the amount of work that is involved.  Then one day Heather shows up with a pair of slippers.  One as beautiful as the other.  She explained that my mom had taught her something.  She had never knitted the stitch around the opening of the slipper the way my mom did, so she had to learn it.  Amazing how someone can teach even after they are gone.  As I inspected the slippers Heather showed me something so very special about each one.  She said you will always know which one your mother made as the one I knitted I sewed a small blue star inside.  Two identical slippers made by two different people with two very different meanings to me, both equally a treasure.

My Boat Needs A Bung

Once again it's been way to long, so much has happened that I don't even know where to start.  An MRI result I wasn't expecting is probably a good place to begin.  Growth!  The word no one with a brain tumour ever wants to hear.  "Your tumour has started to grow" were the words I heard from my annual MRI.  Sadly there's no room for my tumour to grow in my head, it's in a tight little spot in there already.  Honestly, is there room in anyone's head for a foreign invader?  I remember staring blankly at my radiation oncologist thinking all this time he was the guy I had in my back pocket, the just in case guy, the guy who followed me after surgery but I would never need because I'm only 45. Now this guy is my best friend, my new fixer of all things, the guy holding the tablet with my glowing brain tumour shinning brightly like a star.

Radiation was something I was well aware that could be in my future I just didn't think it would be a mere 5 years after surgery.  We have conversation about making the mask, starting the treatments, how many there would be, ohh ONLY 25!!! Dear lord!!  "The team" got together and decided that the remainder of my tumour was still not a candidate for additional surgery so radiation it is.  I said to TJay I'm not sure what freaked me out more, having to have radiation or a group of health care professionals gathered around a table looking inside my head via their tablets.  I felt kind of left out of the party even though I was the star of the show.

So I put my big girl panties on, had my mask made and showed up for my first treatment in bright red Tom shoes.  Because if I have to start a hellish journey I'm doing it in style.  My first treatment I felt a little drunk after but I made it through.  Having your head bolted in a mask to a table is truly not my idea of anything that resembles fun but I did it and we left.  Day 2, lets get on with it, day 3, this kinda sucks a bit, day 4, I feel kinda of crappy and what are those weird lights I see during treatment and what is that smell?  Day 5 I'm in tears I'm so sick.  The thought of my head being attached to that tables and possibly throwing up is too much to handle.  They won't start my treatment until I see the Doctor.  Did you know they have great drugs that instantly take away nausea?  And from that day forward I take Omeprazole, Dexamethasone and Ondansetron.  I make it to to day 25, in which they say ok see you in 6 months for your 1st post treatment MRI. Don't expect any shrinkage, in fact don't really expect that at all, we are simply hoping it stops the growth.

I'm now back to MRI's every six month.  My second one after treatment will will August 22, 33 days from now but who's counting!  I'm going to assume this one is important as it's been a year since treatment ended.  I pray it's still stable but my gut tells me something is up. Sometimes my gut and my fear/anxiety get confused but I think hey! Prepare for the worse then if it's good news I can relax. I come across as having it all together, a pretty stable brain tumour patient  but really I'm a barely functioning nervous wreck who seems to be the one who holds everyone together when I'm the one who is falling apart.  But you see I can't fall apart, if the person in the sinking ship panics, all those who are floating will simply loose it.  So I continue to bail out my boat.