This is a quote from a friend of mine who's brother went through two brain surgeries and is the only other person I know right now who understands what I'm going through.
"Its not like other surgery were you have them and your all better after:( The brain is tricky it takes a really long time to heal. It must be hard because to the rest of us your doing so good but to you your just not yourself. You need to step back and see your self in our eyes. Even if you don't feel like the old you some days, just remember everyone loves the new you just the same:)) it's a long slow hill babe but you'll get there!! Always thinking of youyour in my prayers"
I'm not who I was before brain surgery nor do I think I will be that person again. My outlook, my faith even my soul has been changed. I might look good on the outside but struggle everyday with who's inside my head, the exhaustion I feel from the smallest tasks, the frustration I feel from loosing my independence. I haven't accepted any of that yet, but for some reason I'm feeling pressure that I should just be "over it", "better" and "back to my old self." Is is pressure from society or from myself? A bit of both for sure but probably the latter. I need to learn to love the new me and since it took me 40 years to love the last one I've got some work to do.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Friday, May 3, 2013
Have Tumour...Will Travel
We're back and Cuba for Christmas was fantastic. Certainly well worth all the hard work it took to save for our awesome vacation. Seeing Cuba through your kids eyes is something I will never forget. They were in awe of the culture and people just like I was last year. I couldn't be more proud of their grace and kindness, I am one proud momma.
Having left the day after getting my MRI results I vowed not to think about anything she had to say to me. Every time I caught myself wondering or asking myself the "what ifs" I'd turn to something of beauty and thanked God for the opportunity to be there to see it. Of course I had my moments to myself on the beach or in the pool but I think I'm allowed those every once in a while.
The MRI was no surprise really, Honeycomb is still where he was and bubblegum looks like someone popped him. Just a flat piece of gum stuck in my brain, she referred to that piece of gum as a "carpet", I hate carpet!!! So I was expecting to her ask how things were going, like physio and my eye sight and she did but then the conversation very quickly turned to options. Options? what does that mean, what options? I thought surgery was the option and then you recovered, got better, went back to work. Hmmm, not the case. She said that it made sense to think about radiation while the tumour is small, but of course it is my decision. She would speak with her colleague about seeing me and providing me with more information. As we left the office and began our vacation, T Jay and I thought I guess we'll see what they say down the road, it's only information after all. Well after opening the mail the day after our return "down the road" is only three weeks away. Geesh, I thought that's a short road, nothing like being thrown right back into it. As I once again spent an hour or so processing new information in my inward withdrawn manner I thought suck it up. Me, my family and my tumour just spent an amazing week South, that was my break. And although I came back to full on appointments again how can you not count your blessings for what matters most, spending time with family. Yes the vacation we had was not 100% of what I had in mind when I originally booked it before my diagnoses, it was better!!! Watching them play in the surf, extending kindness to others and just hanging out. It's going to take a lot more then a brain tumour to stop me from enjoying that.
Having left the day after getting my MRI results I vowed not to think about anything she had to say to me. Every time I caught myself wondering or asking myself the "what ifs" I'd turn to something of beauty and thanked God for the opportunity to be there to see it. Of course I had my moments to myself on the beach or in the pool but I think I'm allowed those every once in a while.
The MRI was no surprise really, Honeycomb is still where he was and bubblegum looks like someone popped him. Just a flat piece of gum stuck in my brain, she referred to that piece of gum as a "carpet", I hate carpet!!! So I was expecting to her ask how things were going, like physio and my eye sight and she did but then the conversation very quickly turned to options. Options? what does that mean, what options? I thought surgery was the option and then you recovered, got better, went back to work. Hmmm, not the case. She said that it made sense to think about radiation while the tumour is small, but of course it is my decision. She would speak with her colleague about seeing me and providing me with more information. As we left the office and began our vacation, T Jay and I thought I guess we'll see what they say down the road, it's only information after all. Well after opening the mail the day after our return "down the road" is only three weeks away. Geesh, I thought that's a short road, nothing like being thrown right back into it. As I once again spent an hour or so processing new information in my inward withdrawn manner I thought suck it up. Me, my family and my tumour just spent an amazing week South, that was my break. And although I came back to full on appointments again how can you not count your blessings for what matters most, spending time with family. Yes the vacation we had was not 100% of what I had in mind when I originally booked it before my diagnoses, it was better!!! Watching them play in the surf, extending kindness to others and just hanging out. It's going to take a lot more then a brain tumour to stop me from enjoying that.
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